Appreciating Stressful Days

Growing up I had 2 half sisters and a half brother who lived with me full time. Depending on when in my life it was I also have 2 step brothers and 2 step sisters on weekends. So it's probably not too surprising to say we yelled. A LOT, like always. 

I never knew how much a part of me that was until Jodi and I moved in together and he always got mad because I was "yelling" at him. I have worked very hard on myself since leaving home to try and stop with the you g, manage my anger. 

Well this leads into parenting. I currently have a 2yo. I would have to say about 95% of the time he is good. He listens well for his age. But sometimes he doesn't. Today I done of his not so grey listening days. He was playing g with everything he knew he shouldn't. I was actively trying to engage him in other activities to distract him, but he was having none of it. 

At one point Lucas was crying because he wanted mom, I was trying to make Brycen lunch and he was on the back of the couch flicking the lights on and off as well a batting my picture frames around to watch them swing. I put his lunch down and say him in time out. Calmly told him why he was in time out. Again he is newly two so I don't know how muh was absorbed but he knows he's not supposed to do those things. 

It took almost everything I had to not yell. Trying to box my anger so when I pick him up I don't accidentally yank him by the arm instead and hurt him. Its hard work being a mommy!! 

But then I saw this sweet picture and it brought me back. It calmed me down and helped me breathe. I finshef brycens lunch, say while he ate it and put him down for his nap. 

I try really hard not to complain about Brycen. 1st I knew and expected it to be like this before I had him. 2nd he is such a good boy the majority of the time. He's 2, so he does 2 year old things. I make sure to remind myself of that as often as necessary. I didn't think it wouldn't be hard. I knew there were and are much more difficut challenges ahead. 

I know that one day my kids are going to be grown up. In 10,15, 20 I am going to wish they were babies again. So I'm here breathing, taking one step at a time, and trying to enjoy my crooked unbroken picture frames. Being a mommy, the hard parts are exactly what I expected, crazy screaming toddlers running around sometimes without pants. But the good things, are even better than I could have dreamed. It is the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done.

I hope that if you are having a tough day that reading this will help you know you're not alone ❤️ We all hve tough moments, days, and weeks. 

My Struggles with Bonding

Ok so here is a post I think I knew I would always write but I've been scared to. Please read to the end as our story does have a happy "beginning".

When we first decided to have another baby my biggest fear was that I couldn't possibly love another baby as much as I love Mr B. Brycen was my first miracle. The baby I didn't know if I would ever have. I worried, I couldn't possibly love another baby the way I loved him. But then I found from talking to others that most moms feel that way. I realized how ridiculous I was being and of course I could love another baby. I had always wanted 2-3 kids and I could absolutely love them all. 

I got pregnant. Oh my goodness I loved him immediately. Feeling him kick and hiccup was amazing. Snuggled with Mr B while Lucas wiggled around my world felt complete. Then I started having complications. I stayed positive but in my mind I was terrified I was going to lose my baby. Even though I loved him I think somewhere along the way I started to build a wall. I didn't do it on purpose so I can only speculate it was me trying to guard myself incase the worst happened. I fought to keep him in as long as possible and healthy. Every good check up was a relief. But all of the poor test results twice a week were a constant concern.

Finally after 11 weeks of bedrest and tests, I gave birth. When I first had my Lucas I was overwhelmed with love. He was perfect and healthy and nurses right in the delivery room at only 35 weeks! Then he was grunting. I only got to hold him for 30min before he was taken to the nursery and then taken away. He as you probably know if you've read any of my posts since his birth, had to spend the first 15 days in the NICU. I was heart broken. Seeing him hooked up to machines to teach him to breathe, an IV feeding him. It was more than I could handle. I pumped and I breastfed when possible. But I only got 1-3 hours a day with my baby. The connection I had to him while I was pregnant was somehow lost once he was born. I loved him absolutely. I cried every time I had to leave the hospital. But I was only "visiting". When he finally came home he didn't feel like my baby. Not the way that Brycen had. I worried that my fears had come true and I wasn't as bonded to him as Brycen. I hated myself for doing that to this poor perfect baby. For making him grow up with a mom who loved his brother more. Nothing could have made me feel worse. On top of already feeling slightly disconnected, Mr B was 21months. Which means that I had to make an effort to make sure I put Lucas down and paid attention to Brycen also. The things that might have helped me bond with my baby more I needed to have Brycen included in for fear that he might feel replaced. 

It was a big struggle for me. For longer than I can admit I felt more like his aunt than a mother. I coslept the first month out of necessity. Lucas's crib is still in our room because we room share until at least 6 months. I baby wore, I breastfeed. Gradually I have felt more and more like his mommy.

I couldn't admit that something was wrong. I haddnt felt depressed, I didn't feel anything like PPD from what is read. I was still happy in my life but I just didn't feel what I should have for him. Concern yes, but connected not as much. The guilt from not feeling the bond was so awful I couldn't admit it out loud. I worried I would be judged. I already felt like a terrible mother I couldn't handle someone confirming I was. 

 Then one day I was talking to him and the most incredible thing happened. He smiled at me. Not because of gas but because he actually thought I was pleasant. In that second I literally felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. There it was. There was my bond. There was my love and devotion. I realized, that it wasn't really that I haddnt bonded with him, I had just been so scared regarding every little thing  about him that I couldn't feel past the worry. I had been so scared of the affects the ICP was having on him, and then he was ripped away and hooked up to machines to learn to breathe and eat. Our bond was there it was just clouded in my fear for him. That smile though, it told me all on its own that he was ok. He was home, he was mine, he was loved and he was ok. 

It took another 2 weeks before the fear fully went away. I still feel a huge sence of guilt over that month and a half when I felt like I was disconnected from my son. It still hurts that I felt that way. I didn't admit to anyone, not even my husband, that it had even happened until a few weeks ago. I couldn't. But the more time passes the more I heal. The more obsessed I become with my tiny love. 

See for us having another baby filled the hole we didn't know our family had. I was right when I knew I had more than enough love for another baby. I love both my boys equally. I couldn't imagine life without either of them.

I am happy to write this. I hope that maybe some day this post might help someone going through the same thing. If things had progressed I would have talked to a doctor. Post pardem depression is very real. It affects a lot of us. I'm still not sure if that's what it was but I am happy to be ok again. If you or someone you knows mentions feelings like mine please go or suggest seeing a doctor. Our babies deserve us at our best ❤️

Xoxo

Linda

P.s its 1am so sorry for what may be a jumbled blog ill try and edit tomorrow. 

My Baby has turned 2

My Brycen,

Now you're two. I can barely remember life without you in it. You are already such an incredible person. So full of joy, laughter and life. I love you more than words but I'll try. You have such an amazing smile and I melt when I hear your laugh. You love to make people smile which isn't hard when they see you.  I cried putting you to bed on the 12th. Giving you your last kiss as a 1year old daddy laughed at me of course. I am so proud of the person you already are. Part of me can't wait to find out who you become but the majority wants to keep you small forever. I hope that you take your time growing up. Enjoy being young and free. Make mistakes and learn from them. Know that as life throws things your way mommy will always be there to help carry some of the weight if I can. It's my job. 

The next few years you will grow up so much more. I look forward to every step of your journey. Being your mom is everything I thought it would be and more. You were worth everything I went through to get you here. Know that no matter what happens I love you.

Xoxo

Mommy

Why I Immunize

Please be warned this may get a little rant-ish. If you are just going to yell at me move on. If you read and consider what I'm saying then feel free to stay. 

Lucas will be 3 months old next week!(how?!) Currently its flu and RSV season. While those scare me a little I know breastfeeding protects him from most illnesses. So while I'm finally at a point where I can take my 2tomorrow(yikes!) little boy out with his brother, news breaks, there is a measles outbreK in my province!! Not only is there an outbreak but my poor tiny Lucas is TOO YOUNG for the vaccine. 

People who don't vaccinate often say 'those diseases aren't around anymore' he'll yes they are! The reason we don't see them is because people vaccinate! So how, you might ask, did this out break happen? One boy. One unvaccinated boy went on a holiday with his family, contracted this HIGHLY contagious disease and brought it back. Now my baby, who is too young to be protected is at risk of contracting measles because that boys parents decided to make a decision that doesn't just affect them. Vaccination affects everyone, everytime you choose not to vaccinate you are putting those at risk who want to vaccinate and can't.

 You may feel that your 5yo can handle the disease just fine. But guess what. My baby was 5weeks early. He had to spend the first 5days of his life on a Cpap machine that held his lungs open to help develope them.. Did you know that measles isn't just a rash! Oh no. Look it up. It is an illness that attacks the lungs and airways. So ya your baby might be fine, but will mine be? Will my baby or someone else's be ok if your child catches and passes something like this on to them. So they might be but what if they aren't. How would you feel knowing your decision to not vaccinate caused MY son to have respiratory problems his whole life. What if your decision causes another baby to heaven forbid die? This is serious! I may sound dramatic but its not. When you don't vaccinate your not just playing the odds with your child, but with mine, my many friends who have newborns, and the strangers I've never met who's babies are too young to be vaccinated. 

Maybe consider that when your making your decision. 

Again I apologize for the rant but I am frusterated! And mostly because I'm scared! I fought so hard to get my son here. I had to see him hooked up to machines. I had to watch him feed from a tube because his airways were being forced open. After all that I am faced with something I can't fully protect him from because of soneone else's choices. 

I hope this might change some of your opinions on vaccinating. 

Family Roadtrip!! Party of 4!

Jodi's driving home and so I decided to blog our family vacation! Be warned I'm tired and its a little detailed :) 

First I should mention that whenever possible(almost always) we drive. We love having our own vehicle, being able to change our plans and stopping where and whenever we want. With a potty training toddler and a breastfeeding 2month old the stops are frequent! But that's ok it all adds to the memories of a great vacation...

On Friday October 18th Jodi left work at 2pm, he came home and we packed up our little family and at 6pm we finally left for our drive to Vancouver. To put it into perspective a trip that took the two of us 13hours to drive took us 19. 

Mr B realized quick that whenever he was bored and didn't want to be I'm his carseat anymore he just had to say two little words"I Pee" and he was free. Haha! I don't mind because he did make sure to tell us when he actually had to pee also. Which resulted in a 19hour drive with no accidents!! Just 16 days after starting potty training(see potty training blog). We had made the decision to drive overnight so that hopefully the boys would sleep through the drive. Well my Lucas slept but Mr B decided that road trips are way to much fun! He had a few 30min cat naps but mostly was awake.. All night! Poor boy was so tired. Also it was so cold overnight that from midnight to 6am Brycen couldn't pee it was too cold outside. He kept trying but was shivering and everything we passes was closed. But my big boy held it and waited until we found a gas station open! :)

Once we got to Vancouver we were staying with my grandma in her retirement home. They have suites they rent to family for CHEAP! We said hello then settled in and tried to take nap. Well again things were much too exciting for that so Brycen just ran around for 2hours until it was time for diner. Two under two + a complex of seniors... My boys are traffic stoppers! Our entire trip Brycen was in his glory as everyone wanted to stop and say hi to him. This is his second year so some of the people remembered him and others just were compelled to meet him. He puts a smile on everyone's face who meets him. Of course having a new baby draws attention to so Lucas got plenty of his own. I was told repeatedly what beautiful polite boys I have, which as a mother made me happy. Lucas sat in his bouncer and was gawked at during meals. Thankfully that night we bathed Brycen and then went for a walk. He fell asleep 2min outside the door so when we got home he went potty then to bed. 

Well our second day we found a little kids carnival and pumpkin patch! Brycen loves all of the rides and had fun looking at all the pumpkins. He is such a joy. Lucas decided it was too much for him an slept the whole time. After lunch Brycen had a little snooze then it was time to head to Jodi's cousins for a family diner. His cousin Kelli has 4 children and her brother Patrick has 1. Lucas was passed around and Brycen had such a great time with the kids!! It was so nice to catch up with them as they have far to drive and so we don't get to catch up every year at the reunion. 

Day 3 we went to the aquarium! We met up with my dad and his partner Wanda which as I may have mentioned is a new occurrence. It was incredible! Brycen ran around and was interested in everything! Lucas again mostly slept but grandma and grandpa very much enjoyed taking turns chasing after Brycen and carrying Lucas. I am so happy to have this opportunity to build a relationship with my own dad and be able to give my boys their grandpa. When we parted we made plans to get together the next day. 

I'm not sure what to call Wanda.. My step mom of sorts? So when I say we went to meet them at her daughters, Laurie is kind of my step sister... Well grandma and grandpa had of course lots of presents for the boys! Clothes toys and books. But the best part? They had plotted with Jodi and surprised me with a 1hour massage!! See Laurie is a massage therapist and so once I fed Lucas, daddy and the grandparents took the boys for a walk while I got pampered! Oh my goodness, it was incredible. I am so lucky to have people in my life who do things like that to take care of me. It also gave me a chance to talk with Laurie and find out so more about my dad and Wanda. 

Saying goodbye was sweet. 

The drive to Kelowna went really well. 

A few stops for feeds and potty breaks but we made decent time. We dropped off our things and made our way to my other grandmas for a visit and stayed for diner. She lives in a seniors center also so again the boys were real attention grabbers. 

Our final day of vacation we had lunch with my grandma M and grandpa R and his SO Maretta. I was glad they all got to meet Lucas but the trip was starting to take its toll on Mr B who had a meltdown partway through the meal. Thank goodness we were able to talk him through it so we could visit a little more. 

That afternoon we visited the tressel bridges and went for a walk. Part way through we had the fortune/misfortune of coming across a black bear!! It was fairly young but somewhat close to the path. We had a stroller, babies and no safe cover. The bear was fairly young and thankfully near a bridge. Jodi went well ahead and stomped on the bridge with his cowboy boots which was enough to scare the bear down the hill! We turned around and sped back to the jeep! I was terrified. I don't think ill visit there in off season again. Usually there are guides along the way to help and for safety but of course weren't there when we went. 

Jodi took Brycen swimming at the hotel pool which was indoor/outdoor! I took pictures then got a nice workout in the gym. 

Finally our drive home. Well up until Calgary it was great. We hit Calgary around 630pm so close to Brycens bedtime. He was/is miserable. So tired and not sleeping more than 45min. When he isn't creaking out Lucas has been. My poor boys are all done and exhausted. We need to break away from the jeep! Jodi too. My love needs to rest his poor eyes. 

Such an amazing relaxing vacation. I got away like I needed and we got a lot of family time. Jodi was amazing! He has really taken charge of Brycens potty time while on vacation and let me relax and just deal with the constant demands of a 2month old. I am so blessed to have such an amazing little family. We make a great team. I know that vacations will only get easier as the kids get older(with different challenges).

Almost home now, I can't wait to tuck into bed for the night. 

❤😴👶❤

Watching Lucas Grow

It's 4am and I've just gotten Lucas back down. I should be sleeping but I can't help watching him. He's so perfect. Everyone comments on how small he is but in my eyes I'm so proud of how big he's grown! I need to take him tomorrow to get weighed for his 2month checkup!! 

I think my biggest joy in watching him grown is he's doing it all by me! I exclusively breast feed him. He hasn't had a bottle since the day he left the hospital. Every ounce he's gained since birth has been thanks to the milk I pumped for him in the hospital or provided him once we got home. I am so thankful to be able to breast feed as there are mothers who can't. For one reason or another it doesn't happen for them. But for us looking down on my little miracle knowing that I am nurishing him, that I am the reason he's growing and gaining is the best feeling in the world! 

I find breastfeeding incredibly exhausting at times but mostly just incredible, beautiful, and so rewarding. I am not saying there is anything wrong with formula. We all feed our babies the best way for us. I'm just saying I love watching my healthy baby growing knowing I'm the reason behind it. :)

The Crack

As most moms can attest, within the first few weeks of a new baby you have at least one night where you break. Your exhausted, baby refuses to sleep, but won't stop crying. They are fed, changed warm cuddled and no matter what you do they just won't sleep. So you do what the rest of us do, cry. Man does that cry feel amazing! 

Well my break was stolen from me. My tiny love was in the hospital so I didn't have the constant newborn + toddler the first two weeks of his life. I wish everyday that I had but I'm happy he's healthy and home. 

Well today first thing Brycen peed on the floor. I cleaned it up and made breakfast while he tried to grab everything out of my kitchen he shouldn't touch. I was so tired I felt nauseous. Brycen went for a nap after lunch and so did Lucas and I. Brycen needed to poop and wouldn't. 

I was tired, dealing with a 23mo potty trainer who is curious and adventurous and I just started losing my mind. I was exhausted. I finally begged hubby to hurry home after work, he took over toddler duty and I lied in bed and rested with Lucas who was content. I felt like crying and wanted to break but I just cracked a little. I know that potty training is a lot to lean and adjust to. I know that my son is not even 2 yet and is doing an amazing job. But today I was getting frustrated so I knew I needed to step back. I needed to regroup because my frustrations were not Mr B's fault.

As a parent I think its important we take these moments. Our kids depend on us to nurture and take care of them: all of them, not just physically but mentally as well. I do my best to smile when I'm sad so that my boys can grow up in a positive household. I crack and Hubby and I argue but we get over it. 

I've mentioned before I love Brycens creativity. I love that he has a rebel streak because it means he pushes the bounds and continues to grow. He's fearless! But today because I was tired I was frustrated. Neither of those things were B's fault. When its not our babies fault we need to make sure it doesn't become their problem either. We need to step back and calm down. Walk away for a minute or have them play in their room for a minute. Take a caregiver break. 

The best advice I've heard us out yourself in their shoes. They aren't doing things because they want to annoy us. Why are they doing it? Are we not paying attention so thy are looking for a reaction. Do they need reassurance or love from us? Maybe they just need our attention or for us to sit and read a 5min story to tell them that in all our rushing around they MATTER. 

I'm writing this after another 12am feesing with an early morning wake up call so ill semi pretend to edit in the morning if I remember. But you all need to remember; its ok to break, crack, rattle. We're human and raising tiny people is hard work. We all have a line and we just need to make sure we take time to strengthen our mind so we can handle day after day of accidents, crying newborns, messes, screaming toddlers. We all get there :) 

Happy Thanksgiving 2013!!!

Today is thanksgiving. A day where we reflect and give thanks for the things in our lives. 

I am thankful for the people. I'm sure I mentioned in the beginning, the only thing I've ever wanted growing up was to be a mom and a wife. Well I am both of those things, and its more than I ever imagined it could be. I love my family more than anything. I am thankful every single day for them. They complete me. As long as I have them, I have everything. Anything else is just extra and that's nice too. 

❤❤

POTTY TRAINING!!

Day 1

    Well its begun! At 11am I got home from the doctor, took the last diaper off Mr B and put some big boy underwear on him! Our day was a success. Not because Mr B peed on the potty, which he didn't, but because I never caved. 

Its the end if day 1, Mr B is in bed with undies on. I know more than likely they will be a mess in the morning but "not so baby anymore steps". 

Potty log:

Brycen Peeing on bathroom floor x2

Brycen peeing bed x2

Brycen peeing in potty x0

Mommy not stopping Lucas eating fast enough and Brycen peeing on stairs x1

BUT the mommy not being fast enough was the last accident so Ive got my fingers crossed for tomorrow. :)

Day 2

Potty Log:

Brycen peeing pants x6

Brycen peeing bed x2

Brycen peeing in toilet x1

I have to admit that half way through this day I wanted to quit. If I haddnt read that its common for kids to not use the toilet the first two days. It's usually day 3 it starts to 'click' so another day of constant messes. After that it could take a few weeks before we're completely accident free. We leave for BC in 15days so I'm hoping to have him mostly accident free by then :) 

Day 3:

I HATE POTTY TRAINING! 

Well we started day 3 with peeing in the potty! It's now almost over and he hasn't peed in the potty since. I was feeling discouraged earlier but I just need to keep up with it. Potty training has by far been the most difficult parenting step. Staying calm when you just want to beg them to please use the toilet. He hasn't gotten the hang of it yet but I know that as long as I keep it up eventually he will. It may take weeks but he will get there :) . I love him so much and I'm so proud of the progress he's already made so far. He's growing up quickly and this is just one more step for his independence. 

Pee log:

Brycen peeing in Potty x2

Brycen peeing in Pants x 9

Brycen peeing on Floor x3

Brycen peeing in Bed x 0

Brycen pooping in potty x1

Now that its day end... I still dislike potty training BUT a pee before bed and a poop in the potty earlier makes all the accidents worth while. Each progressive step gives me hope and a glimmer if light at the end of the tunnel. Tomorrows a new day! It has the potential for fewer accidents and more success!

Day 4:

Well I was gone for a few hours during the day. Lots of accidents and only 1 pee in the potty

Day 5:

Much better than yesterday! 4potty pees and only a few accidents! Hoping for a few less accidents tomorrow. 

Brycen sometimes after 10min on the potty will stand up and then pee. I learned that this can often mean that they don't have full control of their bladder and he hasn't learned how to relax this bladder to allow pee yet. We just need to keep up with the potty training an he should get it soon. We have found that playing a video for distraction works so he relaxes while on the potty.

Day 6:

NO ACCIDENTS!!! 

The day started at 930. I woke up late so Brycen had peed but I don't count that because its my fault not his. From 930a. To 1230 I kept trying to take Brycen to pee. No accidents but no potty pees for 3 hours! Then he had a nap and woke up dry! He continued like that all night the at 630 for the first time ever he TOLD us he had to pee!!! We ran him up and he peed on the potty!! I was so excited my normally sugar free boy got a marshmallow because I needed to give him something! 

Day 7:

Brycen woke up wet at 2am but then was dry when he woke up at 730! :) he then had mostly accidents all day. Feeling a little discouraged but 2 potty pees before bed has me hopeful for tomorrow!

Day 8:

Accident free day!!! Mr B hasn't pooped in 2 days but that's common with potty training. I'm so thankful my two besties are training their girls at the same time. It's nice not going through this alone. Fingers crossed for tomorrow ☺

Day 16:

Sorry for skipping some days!! We have had HUGE success. Only one or two accidents here and there. 

Today is Friday and Mr B haddnt pooped since Monday!! We had to take matters into our own hands with a little Vaseline and a QTip. It worked! I think we all felt better once he was done. 

I can't believe that my little man is almost potty trained!! We are on our way to BC.. It's a 13hour drive and I'm a little nervous about how he'll do. I promise to update on our way home.

Day 23:

Well my Mr B has been accident free for 8 days! With the exception of one night when he had quite a few pee accidents. We are currently on our way home from BC. The drive there to 19hours and he let us know EVERY time he had to pee and poop!! I am SO incredibly proud of my little man!! There was one time where he couldn't get his undies off so he sat on the potty and peed through them but I sit really count that as an accident, he was on the potty after all :). He is amazing. Although, he has figured out that when he wants out of his carseat or bed all he has to do is yell "I have to pee" and its a guarantee. We are smart enough to know that the first time we don't believe him he's going to have an accident! Lol 

I hope you get some relief from my struggles and I hope that your potty training journey is short. I know that there are still likely to be accidents. But my boy is doing so well! 3 weeks before his second birthday and he is potty trained. The "3day potty training method" works!! It took a few more than 3 days but stick to it and you will see results!! 

Potty training - the night before

Whew well tomorrow is one of the scariest days of my life. I start potty training Mr B. I don't know why I'm so scared. Not of the accidents I mean I clean enough diapers and bums that's not concerning. But more the fear that ill screw up. This is the first real thing we need to teach our children. Everything else the mostly teach themselves by example. Not only that but I have the excitement of no more changing toddler diapers for another year! 

I really hope it goes well. Mr B picks things up so quickly hopefully this will be one of those things.

 I'm sad that my baby is growing up but SO excited for this new step in his life and the relief in mine haha. 

Fingers crossed for a smooth transition. Ill post to let everyone know how it goes :). 

Halloween with a toddler

Well it's the end of September. The stores are filled with spooky decorations, the pumpkin has taken over our coffees and snacks, and the temperature today was shockingly low. All reminding us that of course here in Canada Thanksgiving is close, but more noticeably Halloween is just around the corner!

Mr B not even being 2yet as a rule is not allowed sugar. Last year we took him too the mall for some activities and then home. We may take him trick or treating but we still haven't made a final decision. 

I really wanted to do pumpkin carving. Last year we cleaned out a pumpkin and put Mr B inside for pictures! 

It was cute but not happening this year. So I needed to find something else. It's not safe to have him around knives and he isn't able to draw anything to carve out yet. Thankfully, thanks to a mommy group friend, the answer was shown to me... Pumpkin Painting!

Yesterday now, since its 4am feeding time, we went to a farm and Mr B picked out his own pumpkin! My sister was there too so her son picked one out also. Then during his nap daddy grabbed some permanent  paint and brushes.  Once he was awake we removed his cloth diaper, put him in a disposable and nothing else(except his boots he insisted on wearing) then we went outside to paint! 

This is the first time Mr B has enjoyed painting!! I showed him what to do and he did the rest. He used different colors and got it done. He did try eating the paint a few times but thankfully I stopped him as we couldn't use friendly water colors for something that would sit outside. Also he really wanted to paint himself at the end. I'm glad he had fun there will absolutely be more painting in our near future. 

For those with kids this is a VERY kid friendly activity!! It allows them to be right in the middle of the fun! My nephew is 7 and very much enjoyed it too. It's a cheap and easy way to get ready for Halloween and decorate for fall. 

Make sure if you do this you have a lot of space for mess. We chose outside. Also have a lot of cleaning supplies on hand. We brought out a package of baby wipes so that every time Mr B would paint his belly or fingers we could wash them right away before it stained or he tried to eat it. 

I love finding and doing new things with my babies. This is something we will enjoy doing again over the next few years.

It's My Due Date

Well today is my due date. Which also means that today my Lucas turns one month old! This last month has been a roller coaster ride. So many drastic highs and lows. I'm so happy that he is home! 

It's been two weeks and I haven't fully adjusted my sleep around my babies. Meaning I'm not getting a whole lot. I find I am doing well with balancing my time between them. Mr B loves being a big brother. I am thrilled to be a mommy of two. Gradually the sleep will come. But in so in love with cuddles and my boys that I don't mind. Every minute I'm not sleeping is another moment, memory I'm spending with them. 

I can't believe its been a month. Part of me feels every day and another part feels cheated the two weeks he was in the hospital. I know that as he gets older that two weeks will feel like nothing but for now its still such a big part of his life. I love every day with my family. I wouldn't trade it for anything ❤ 

Perfectly imperfect

 I just picked up my sons books for the 5th time today. My floors are swept but need to be washed. My house is packed with work in progress renovations. We have large bills that we didn't expect hit us this year. 

But it's 730pm, my hubby worked late and is cooking diner on the BBQ. Mr B is outside with him playing. I love listening to them play. The joy i hear from them is an irreplaceable memory. My tiny Mr L is sleeping soundly in his playpen. I had to write because right now in this moment my life is absolutely perfect. 

I know that we will probably never have a ton of money in the bank. But we are ok. We have debt but its manageable. We also have a house, and a new jeep to account for part of our debt. 

I am frequently overwhelmed by the amount of love I feel for my family. The joy at having everything I've ever wanted. It's incredible that at 25 I had all my childhood dreams come true. Which leaves the skys open for my new dreams as an adult. 

Right now my life may not be perfect, but it is absolutely perfect for me.

Happily living perfectly imperfect forever.

Just Want My Baby Home

Every night on my way to bed I walk past Lucas's empty crib and wonder when my baby will finally come home to me. 

He turned 1 week old today. He is still on semi demand feeding. He still only eats half of what they would like on his own. I hope that the next time he is switched to demand of he wants to continue with the 26ml that he will start waking up more often. As long as he gets his daily requirement he might still go home. 

I cringe every time someone asks me when he will be home. I don't know. And it breaks my heart every time I have to say that out loud. 

I've had to spend less time at the hospital. It was putting too much strain on Brycena routine constantly being carted around all day and not napping properly. The day I have all my boys under one roof will be the day I can finally breath again. 

Lucas is fine. He is healthy and doing well. He just doesn't want to eat on his own. And why would he when he can eat a he likes and get tube fed the rest. 

Jumbled blog for all the jumbled thoughts in my head right now.

I have so much sympathy for all the other parents and families that have to go through this too. 

Babies Take Time To Bake

Dear Parents-to-be,

As a mommy of two believe me when I say I understand how exhausting pregnancy is. I know that those 40+ weeks can drag on. But PLEASE stop trying to induce labor before 40 weeks. 

As someone who currently has a premie in the NICU you have no idea what it's like. 

My day:

1am wake up to pump

2am back to sleep

3am wake up, drive 30min to the hospital, spend 1hour feesing and cuddling my son baby. Cry. Leave my baby behind... Again... Drive 30min home

6am pump

7am back to sleep

830am wake up with Mr B

Make breakfast for us both and get dressed

930am get Mr b ready, drive 30min to the hospital, leave him with the sibling care. Spend 1hour with my baby, cry, leave him there... Again.. Drive 30min home

12pm get home and make Mr B lunch, put him down for a nap

1pm pump

2-3pm pass out

3-4 get Mr b a snack and then drive 20min to pick up hubby

430 drive 30min to hospital, spend 45min feeding and cuddling my baby, cry, leave him there again. Drive 30min home with a hungry cranky toddler. 

630 - hubby or I makes diner and we eat

730 pump

9 go to sleep

11pm pump

Repeat

Every second of my day is divided between driving, hospital and TRYING to get some quality time with Mr B. I barely see my new born son but I am spending 3-4hrs a day just driving to and from the hospital so I can see him as much as I am. Then when I do see him its not a newborn like you picture. My son first had an IV in his arm which was taped to a board, he had a machine forcing his airways open, his face was puffy and covered. I didn't know what his face looked like for 2 days after his birth. As well as he had a feeding tube. My son was born at 35+4... He was almost 36 weeks and he weight an impressive 6lb 8oz. Yet he is still in the hospital. He will be a week old tomorrow and I have no idea when he will finally be able to come home. 

I didnt have a choice. I had a pregnancy condition that forced me to be induced. But most of you can choose! There is a reason your perfect little baby hasn't come out yet. I would love to have felt my tiny mister moving around inside for another 5 weeks. I wish every day for the hot flashes and lack of sleep because my baby would be with me at all times. 

There is a reason our babies stay in for 40 weeks. You have the whole rest of their lives to hold, watch, touch, smell, cuddle them. Be patient. 

Every minute longer they can stay in is what's best for them. 

Thanks for listening

A mommy of a brand new NICU baby. 

I have a preemie

On August 20, 2013 my second son entered this world. He is of course absolutely incredible of course. 

But, he was only 35w4d. He was born exactly 1 month early. This classes him as premature. He was 6lb 8oz! When he was first born everything looked good. I was able to hold him immediately and he latched well! I couldn't have been more proud. However he was breathing a little fast and grunting. The grunting continued which lead to him being admitted into the NICU. 

I was crushed. My perfect tiny baby was not with me. I could go visit but needed sleep also. I was kept in the recovery ward that night and had to listen to other moms arrive with their babies. I heard other babies crying and their moms soothing, feeding and holding them and wasn't able to do any if that. 

When my doctor told me I could be discharged or spend another night since my tiny love wasn't leaving I left. I k we he wouldn't be home for days and I couldn't handle another night around the happy visiting families. Also Mr B was home as well as my hubby. I needed them. It's been 60hours since my Lucas was born. He is still in the NICU. He is looking good and I visit when possible. I pump liquid gold for him every 3-4h and bring it twice a day. 

I don't think anyone does but I didn't expect a NICU baby. It's emotional and draining. There is nothing you can do. I realized today that my son is 2 days inks and I don't know what his face looks like. He has tubes, a hat, an eye mask. I don't know what he looks like. I have a 2min memory from the delivery room of him looking at me with blue eyes and that's it.

Before this gets too long as it will full of my experience and wonder, if you have a premie you are not alone. There is a chance my Lucas could come home next week. For the mommies and daddies whose babies spend weeks/months in the NICU my heart goes out to you. Leaving a piece of myself behind everytime I walk out those hospital doors is the hardest thing I've ever done. 

The unplanned pregnancy

I personally have never had an unplanned pregnancy. When I was young before I was diagnosed with PCOS I thought I was once because I skipped a month and didn't know that's what it was. 

But for you ladies who had unplanned pregnancies I feel for you. Whatever the outcome of that pregnancy was. 

Being a mom and having a FAMILY of my own is something I've always wanted. But I know many women who either don't want babies, are too young, or just aren't there in their relationship who have found themselves pregnant. Some of them know exactly the day they didn't use protection, missed their pill, took antibiotics, or the condom broke. Others have no idea. They religiously use protection and it still happened. The facts are that no protection is 100% effective. Sometimes a condom breaks and you as a lady don't know. 

Right now I know someone in that situation. Her and boyfriend have only been together a few months. They use condoms every time. She isn't ready to have another baby. Yet this afternoon he found out she is pregnant. She doesn't know what to do but was bawling on the phone. Her boyfriend is great but how well can you know someone after only 3 months? They don't and have never talked about living together. They have been just enjoying being together. No matter what happens from this point on their relationship is forever changed. 

She is terrified to tell him. I can't imagine how hard this must be for her. All of my pregnancies were worked for. Finding those two pink lines the biggest blessings in my life! I couldn't wait to share the news with my husband. The idea of him becoming a dad was what we had been trying for. 

But for you mommies or mommies-to-be out there. Know you have support. Even if you don't know how on earth you are going to get through this with or without the daddy, there are so many who understand. I can only sympathize as I am with my friend. But for you there are so many who have been and are in the same position. 

Your baby will love you just the same even if it wasn't planned. If you choose not to go through with the pregnancy I can't even imagine how hard if a decision that was for you. But for you too there are ones who understand and support. 

Sending love and support out to all of you who started this journey in a way that wasn't ideal. 

Moms are irrational

As I lay in bed writing this, I'm constantly checking my video baby monitor. Why? Well because Mr.B has been in his room for two hours(since bedtime) playing by himself.. For 2 hours! 

Don't get me wrong I'm thankful it's not fighting/crying/screaming for two hours but what 20month old does this?? 

Part of me feels like a horrible mother because my baby has some how adapted to being alone? Other than bedtime he is never left alone so I'm not sure why he is so comfortable with it? During the day we are always playing or reading together. Sometimes he plays by himself while I watch but I am always there. 

Possibly because he knows I am here if he needs anything, but what if something else? Part of me worries I'm not giving him what he needs so he's learned to "fend for himself". 

I know that's my crazy mommy side but its hard not to go there sometimes.

To be honest he's been very independent his whole life. From 6months on he refused to cuddle. Unless he's hurt, sick, or VERY tired cuddles are out of the question. He'd rather explore and learn. 

I just want to be the best possible mom I can be and him being so independent is either a sign of a great job or a huge flaw... Who wouldn't be worried about landing on the wrong side? 

I can't wait until he can talk better and we can have discussions about things like this so I can tell him mommy is always there for him and him know what it means and that its true. 

Most of me believes that he is fine and just content by himself. I just have to focus on that part and ignore the rest ☺ 

The worst part is if he was the opposite and could never be left alone I'd be wondering what is wrong again. There is no happy medium for moms. No matter what we or our kids do we always wonder if there is something better we should be doing. 

But there is no point in worrying about something I can't figure out just yet. 

A Mommys Life is Oh So Glamorous

I've been forgetting to post this for a while... Or maybe putting it off because of the funny yet not so fond memories it brings up. 

A few weeks ago my darling son pooped. (Great start right?) Well on this eventful evening, I unsnapped his diaper, the second it was opened he grabbed the side and ripped it towards himself. 

Poo everywhere! Oh boy do I wish I was talking about the lovable bear, but no. On his legs, on the floor, on his foot, on his bum. I managed some wresting moves to keep him put long enough to clean everything up! Got the new diaper on and headed upstairs to flush the evidence. 

Our stairs are blocked off by a gate. When I got to the bottom I heard my poor Mr b crying for mom as he often does if I have to leave him down there alone. As I stepped into the bathroom I looked into the mirror and froze... There was poo on my neck! How on earth did it get there??? As I was cleaning the diaper I scrubbed and scrubbed my neck as quickly as possible. I hurried downstairs and picked my little love up. Hubby was outside so we decided to take a minute and go sit and watch daddy. 

As we were walking back my love went to put his arm around my neck and that's when I saw it. Poo on his hand! It must have gotten there when he pulled the diaper and I missed it when washing up the rest. Light bulb went on as to where the neck poo had come from. I took him and washed his hand all clean. Finally done. 

We got outside sat on the steps am I look at my baby. There are little brown spots around his mouth! 😣 What I didn't previously mention is that my tiny mister is 1 1/2 and has been popping molars ever few weeks for the past 3 months. Which involves a LOT of hand chewing. No wonder my love was crying at the bottom of the stairs he had gone to hand chew and gotten poo in his poor mouth. As I'm noticing this I glance down and there are finger poo marks on his shirt and shorts. 

I took him inside just in time to hear the diner timer go off. Thank goodness. I got him stripped and wiped down. He ate diner and then it was time for a bath and then bed. 

I could not believe what a mess a diaper could make. 

Hopefully no one reading this has had this experience and can take my memory as a good laugh. However if this has happened to you, as it probably has or will, I hope you take comfort in my understanding and support of another mommy who's been there. 

Baby's coming early... Holding on to my last days

Well today I am currently 31w4d with my second baby. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and because of my ICP he isn't sure if I will last another month. 

I am terrified. I know that if born early my baby will most likely be fine. My biggest fears are more selfish than that. 

I am scared I will have to stay in the hospital if things get worse. I have only spent 2 nights away from Little B. I have feared my time apart for delivery more than the labor itself. Now I'm worried about having to spend 1-2 weeks away from him. 

My second fear is that even if I don't have an extended stay in the hospital, if this little man inside me has to come any sooner than 36 weeks he might have to spend some time in the NICU. I have little B at home, I can't bring a 21mo to the hospital all day to spend in the NICU, at the same time I don't have any options to leave my older boy at home. So I have to stay home days and my poor little man is going to be new and left alone in the hospital. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that already I'm going to have to choose between my boys and neither option is one that doesn't make me feel sick to my stomach. 

I am praying and praying that my blood work doesn't get worse. If it stays as is I have a chance of keeping my baby in until 36 weeks. That's all I need. I only have 4 more weeks to go. There is nothing specific I can do to help my situation. I'm relaxing and taking my medication and doing everything I can to keep my doctor happy. 4 weeks, 28 days. Such a crucial amount of time for my baby's development. It is so close and yet so far away. I need to keep myself distracted but every time you rest it's there. Every day when the nurses come is a reminder. 

The count down is on in my head. I won't push though. If the doctor says he needs to come out I completely understand. This is for my babies health and well being, it's also for my health but as mothers know that can often take a back burner to your baby. 

28 days left.. I just need to make it 28 more days. 

Bed rest again

Well I've been making an effort to write every few days. I have had a lot going on an am not sure what to talk about other than what I've been going through the past few weeks.

Well as of today I am 25 weeks pregnant with my second baby.

Since about 21 weeks I have been feeling itchy like I did with my first. I was pretty sure my cholestasis was back so when I had my dr appt last week I told him. He sent me for blood work which I went for on Sunday. 

As I suspected the cholestasis is back. Knowing something is going to happen doesn't always prepare you for when it does. I got a call at 815am Tuesday while taking a breakfast break at work. I was told my bile acid levels were elevated again and I needed to make my way to the hospital. 

I was terrified. I knew it was coming but I started shaking a little and my heart started racing. Cholestasis is a rare pregnancy condition this increases the bile acid in your blood. It left untreated it can lead to premature labor or still birth. Even with medication you and the baby need to be monitored on a very regular basis to make sure that everything still looks good because there is a possibility that your bile can spike again and cause a still birth. 

The most common noticeable symptom is being itchy. By that I don't mean a little itch once in a while. I'm talking about cant sleep, breaking skin, think you're going crazy and being tortured kind of itch. 

I try to be positive. And because its so rare no one I know has heard of cholestasis. What this leads to is people find out I'm on bed rest they say "but aren't you just itchy" 

NO! I don't want to be dramatic so I smile and say that I'm on medication to help things but its a very serious condition. When in reality I want to scream "this is a condition that could potentially kill my baby if I'm not careful enough so no I'm not just itchy" again Idon't  say the later because I don't want to be one of "those girls".

Back to my story... 

So I went to the hospital I spend 6hours there. I barely saw anyone but the nurses and the resident doctor once. I was given a prescription for URSO, an appointment with the specialist the following week and sent on my way. 

No follow up blood work was done and no requisition form was given. I knew this was wrong so I called my doctors office on my way home at 3pm knowing his office closes at 4. The receptionist answered and I said;

1) I believe dr M will want to see me again sooner than my appt in 2 weeks.

2) I need a requisition for blood work

3) I need to know if I am on bed rest. Last time I was put on bed rest immediately so I am unsure if the same will happen.

She told me she would talk to the dr and call me back. I waited all day Wednesday and heard nothing. 

By Thursday I was mad. I'd been on medication since Tuesday night but I hadn't had any blood work done since Sunday! I called back and asked for a requisition form for blood work. Screw the bed rest and the second appt I could deal with that once I knew my baby was ok. The same receptionist I talked to Tuesday passed me back to the nurse who said she would get the blood work form ready and send it to my clinic for me to pick up there. 

5 min later she called back. I was told that I shouldn't have been released from the hospital! Dr M had given specific instructions that I was supposed to be kept! So I told her I take it I shouldn't be at work then? She said shed call back.

I had about 4-5 calls over the next 20 minutes ending with her telling me I am officially on bed rest, go get my blood work done and I had a follow up appt the next week. She wasn't rude but gave me all the info is asked for in the first place. 

I had been in a meeting with my boss when she called and so my boss hear the whole conversation. That helped a little with the blow that I was leaving even though they had no replacement even hired or trained at all for my position. I work a corporate job that not just anyone can do. It's a big deal that I was pulled early and part of me hates that even unintentionally I let people down who counted on me. But at the same time know that what's important is keeping this little boy inside me safe and protected. 

I am worried all the time. My husband is worried to so I can't talk to him about it because nothing we can say will change what is. It's easier to just know and try and think positive. When my friends heard I was coming home from the hospital they said "we'll I'm glad you and baby are ok". Truth is we are but for now, there is still a possibility that things could end horribly and I have to make a huge effort to not think about that. However eery time someone says "glad you're ok" it comes slamming back into my gut. This is just something ill need to deal with over the next 13 weeks. 

I know that because we discovered it and I am on medication and being monitored my chances of a perfectly healthy baby are very high. But as anyone who has ever carried a baby that possibility of something out of your control happening to your baby is absolutely terrifying. 

Thanks for the vent. 

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to my old self next week and keep posting my opinions. :) 

Our decisions are our own

I am not perfect, this blog allows me to express my opinions openly. Some times I may say things that offend people and for that I am sorry. My opinions and suggestions are my own. I have done a lot of research but there are things that I don't know. As per the below I will try and be more conscious of other people's choices and decisions while still expressing my opinions and decisions and why I made them.

I am part of a few mommy groups on different social media sites. 

Last night one of the sites blew up over circumcision. For or against doesn't matter to me. Your sons penis has nothing to do with me and my sons penis has nothing to do with you. My point is some of these moms were very abrupt and rude, discouraging an insulting to one another. 

I have seen both sides and get where people are coming from but we as mommies need to be supporting not attacking one another. We are trying to raise the best possible little people we can. Teaching them to bash and name call when they don't agree with someone else I don't believe is setting the example we want them to follow. Whether your a "crunchy mom" or an "urban mom" or somewhere in between we really new to step back and give each other a break! 

Every single one of us has had to make decisions on behalf of our children. Some do research, some don't, some listen to only family and some do things in spite of family. But all of us have one thing in common.. We are doing what we as parents think is right. 

I have a LOT of mommy friends and 3/4 of my sisters are moms. I don't always agree with their decisions as parents, I'm positive they don't all agree with my decisions. But the fact is they are our decisions to make. We respect ourselves and each other enough to keep our mouths shut. Unless someone I know is directly harming their child it is my job as their friend/sister to SUPPORT them and their decisions. 

I even have friends where we share articles on what to and to not do as parents. We take them at face value and if interested do more of our own research past that. We know that we aren't putting each other down we are just sharing information. 

There are MANY different hot topics of discussion and its hard when you can often be on different sides of a fence about a subject. My point is be respectful. You don't have to agree but as a mommy and adult I think we need to move past the bashing and name calling.

Whether you circumcised or not,

Formula fed or breast fed,

Approve or disapprove of routine immunization,

Co-sleep or not.

As long as your baby is your first priority in these decisions I think you are doing an amazing job!! Keep up the good work mama and continue to support those around you. :)

Why I don't think your 18month old is bad.

Here's the thing. My son loves to pull cords out of sockets, wrap them behind his head. He insists that all of his books and toys need to be out and scattered around the living room so that he can see them all while he is awake. He climbs on everything and nothing is off limits or out of reach. He will find a way to get what he wants!

The most amazing part... He is exactly who he is supposed to be! My son is so smart! He's determined, loving, loud and perfect. 

It drives me crazy when my friends tell me how bad their 1yr old is. THEY ARE NOT! These babies are learning! I'm not saying its easy to chase around a toddler who insists on grabbing everything but he's LEARNING! My son does do things he's not supposed to and I tell him no, there are times he still does it. It's called testing boundaries. Just because mommy said no doesn't mean he doesn't want to still do it. 

Moms(and dads) stop trying to make your kids into Sloth's who just sit in front if the tv and do nothing all day! We live in a society where my generation and younger are lazy entitled know it alls... Want to know a reason why.. We TEACH them to be that way!! If you sit there and be good you can have this game and that, I'll make your food for you so you don't make a mess, here eat it quietly in front of the tv so you don't get in my way. Oh no you're throwing a fit fine watch your show mommy can't concentrate on hers anyways. This is not ok! 

We need to let our babies learn and explore! Be creative! At 10 months my son pushed his bumbo up to the buffet in my living room and stood on the arm of it so he could reach something I'd put out of the way! Was I mad? Absolutely not i was amazed that at such a young age he had the initiative to do that! 

I call my son monster. Not because he terrorizes my house and I'm at my wits end, but because he growls and laughs, he gets into things he shouldn't but cuddles and smiles. I don't mean it in a negative way it is one of his thousands of nickname. I won't call him "bad" for doing exactly what he should be doing at his age. 

I would take my rambunctious, curious, messy boy over a sit on my bum all the time boy any day. He is perfect and exactly right...

 I just wish more moms would feel that way. We need to be more encouraging. This is our future and theirs so its important we teach them the right things ❤ 

How I got sucked into cloth diapers and why I love them now

So one of my best friends has a daughter 3 months older than my little man. We are both pregnant and again she is due 3 months before I am! 

She made the decision to switch to cloth diapers. I have a lot of respect for cloth diapering moms. It's better for the environment and all that other stuff but I couldn't get past the swishing in the toilet, constant laundry, pins and all of that folding! It was not something I could bring myself to do. I thought about it for about 2 min when I was pregnant the first time and dismissed the idea. 

Well my cloth diapering BFF decided that for her baby shower she would request that since they can be so expensive and her little izzy is still wearing diapers so she needed enough for two she would request some for her baby shower an posted some websites.

I didn't think to much of it and ignore the websites for a while. Well then she posted a picture of her cute little Isabella in one of her new cloth diapers and it was one of the cutest little things I've ever seen!! Who knew?! Surly not me. It made me very curious so I decide to finally take a peek at the websites shed posted... 

Oh my goodness! They were so cute! Little Dino diapers and jungle animals. Solids and prints! I immediately wanted them for my little man! I could just picture them on his little bum. Yep... My immediate wanting to switch was 100% the way they looked. 

However I am much smarter than to spend money on something because of how it looks. I still remembered my initial no pins, folding, swishing dilemma.

Here is the best news if you are anything like me... Cloth diapers have EVOLVED! There are many different kinds but the ones I use now are the one size pocket diapers with the microfiber bamboo liners. Ah-mazing! These diapers are one piece and snap together! There are different snaps along the front so you can adjust leg width and tummy size at the time you are putting the diaper on! They have little pockets in the top and you just stick your insert in and put it on your tiny bum! So simple! For the moms that done like swishing(gross!) they sell disposable liners! These are essentially long pieces of toilet paper, but thicker, that you line the diaper with right before you put it on. When you change you baby the liner goes strait in the toilet and flushed away! These are not your moms cloth diapers! 

I bought 1 days worth to start out just to make sure I liked them before I invested a bunch of money into something I wasn't going to use. First thing I learned us that little boys tend to pee more. We found my son was leaking through. Discouraged I did some online investigation... Turns out I can just double up my inserts! Actually you can go up to 3 inserts/ diaper but we haven't found that necessary yet. Because I only had 1 days worth I was washing diapers every night... Turns out.. I didn't mind at all. I throw diapers in as soon as i put my son to bed. I flip them over and make sure to restart the dryer before bed. It is nothing out of my day. 

Next issue... Folding... What folding... It takes about 5 minutes to stuff 10 diapers and be ready to go! Even my husband who never folds laundry ever doesn't mind. It truly is not a sacrifice at all! 

I am hooked on cloth diapers and wish everyone would give them a try. I know they aren't for all but believe me when I say they are not nearly as bad and scary as most of us think.

My unsexy way of conceiving baby number two!

Was your TTC period romantic? We're you able to make it special? Was it planned or did your little miracle surprise you?

If you've read any of my previous posts you will know that my first pregnancy was 2 years in the making. After that long it was still intimate . We did have days where because of hormones and scheduled sex it seems kind of routine by we would joke and make it playful. It's very hard but important to keep it light. If you have issues TTC the best thing you can do for yourself and your partner is try and relax.

On this same note I'd like to tell you how less sexy my second pregnancy came about. 

My husband and I after quite a few discussions decided we wanted another baby. My son was 10 months at the time and we agreed that we wanted me to be able to get maternity leave again. To do that I would need to wait until I went back to work before we could start trying.

I was so excited and booked an appointment with my OB/GYN. Because of my past fertility issues I wanted to be ready for when the time came for us to get working on our newest addition! My doctor however informed me that child birth can often put your body to normal even if it wasn't before! He said that my husband and I would need to TTC for 6 months before he would look at prescribing me fertility treatments. I was both saddened and saw a little glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe I could do this on my own! 

I EBF my son for 6.5 months and then pumped for an additional 2 weeks so my first period didnt show up until shortly before my visit with my doctor. This made me scared that I might not succeed but I felt determined to try. 

By the time I went back to work I ha only had 2 periods. I noticed though that they were about every 6 weeks apart! This is a huge improvement from unpredictable 9-12 pre pregnancy. I had no guarantee they would continue on this routine but I hoped. 

Now if you have every used fertility drugs to try an conceive you were likely told to every other day baby dance from day 12-18 to ensure you had swimmers in there at time of ovulation. Well because I wasn't sure when I would finally ovate we couldn't plan that way. But we decided well if we don't know the week we would be intimate every other night until we got a BFP!!!

As someone who very much enjoys sex with my husband on a very regular basis this thought seemed amazing! 

Here is where it gets completely unromantic... My husband was working a night shift. He started work at 4pm and ended work at 2am, home by 3am.  I work days. I was up at 5am to get myself and our son ready, took him to daycare, started for at 8am was off at 4:30pm home by 6(long commute). I had just enough time to feed my son and bath him before bed with about 20 min of mommy baby time. This was exhausting. See the problem was our conflicting schedules. If you review the above you will note the only time we were both at home was from 3am-6am. The first week this was not a problem. Our every thee night rendezvous was hot! By week two it was still fun but this working mama was getting TIRED. By week 3... Ok I'm not proud but I'm pretty sure one night while half asleep I said just get in done and go shower! LOL we were still able to have sexy nights on the weekends but the weekdays were just as quick as possible so I could go back to sleep before work.

I love my husband and still don't mind being woken up for sex but every other night turned out to be way to much for me.... However... IT WORKED!!! 

After 2.5 months of trying to conceive we did! I was exhausted. It wasn't unenjoyable but i felt like I worked almost as hard in that time as I did the whole two years the first time.

I don't regret a single moment and I recommend it as a way to get pregnant! Just try as we did on the weekends to make sure that you keep some intimacy in your baby making. It's important. After your babies are grown up your partner is who you have left. Don't ever forget to make them feel important for more than just half of the chemistry in your tiny love.