Just Want My Baby Home

Every night on my way to bed I walk past Lucas's empty crib and wonder when my baby will finally come home to me. 

He turned 1 week old today. He is still on semi demand feeding. He still only eats half of what they would like on his own. I hope that the next time he is switched to demand of he wants to continue with the 26ml that he will start waking up more often. As long as he gets his daily requirement he might still go home. 

I cringe every time someone asks me when he will be home. I don't know. And it breaks my heart every time I have to say that out loud. 

I've had to spend less time at the hospital. It was putting too much strain on Brycena routine constantly being carted around all day and not napping properly. The day I have all my boys under one roof will be the day I can finally breath again. 

Lucas is fine. He is healthy and doing well. He just doesn't want to eat on his own. And why would he when he can eat a he likes and get tube fed the rest. 

Jumbled blog for all the jumbled thoughts in my head right now.

I have so much sympathy for all the other parents and families that have to go through this too. 

Babies Take Time To Bake

Dear Parents-to-be,

As a mommy of two believe me when I say I understand how exhausting pregnancy is. I know that those 40+ weeks can drag on. But PLEASE stop trying to induce labor before 40 weeks. 

As someone who currently has a premie in the NICU you have no idea what it's like. 

My day:

1am wake up to pump

2am back to sleep

3am wake up, drive 30min to the hospital, spend 1hour feesing and cuddling my son baby. Cry. Leave my baby behind... Again... Drive 30min home

6am pump

7am back to sleep

830am wake up with Mr B

Make breakfast for us both and get dressed

930am get Mr b ready, drive 30min to the hospital, leave him with the sibling care. Spend 1hour with my baby, cry, leave him there... Again.. Drive 30min home

12pm get home and make Mr B lunch, put him down for a nap

1pm pump

2-3pm pass out

3-4 get Mr b a snack and then drive 20min to pick up hubby

430 drive 30min to hospital, spend 45min feeding and cuddling my baby, cry, leave him there again. Drive 30min home with a hungry cranky toddler. 

630 - hubby or I makes diner and we eat

730 pump

9 go to sleep

11pm pump

Repeat

Every second of my day is divided between driving, hospital and TRYING to get some quality time with Mr B. I barely see my new born son but I am spending 3-4hrs a day just driving to and from the hospital so I can see him as much as I am. Then when I do see him its not a newborn like you picture. My son first had an IV in his arm which was taped to a board, he had a machine forcing his airways open, his face was puffy and covered. I didn't know what his face looked like for 2 days after his birth. As well as he had a feeding tube. My son was born at 35+4... He was almost 36 weeks and he weight an impressive 6lb 8oz. Yet he is still in the hospital. He will be a week old tomorrow and I have no idea when he will finally be able to come home. 

I didnt have a choice. I had a pregnancy condition that forced me to be induced. But most of you can choose! There is a reason your perfect little baby hasn't come out yet. I would love to have felt my tiny mister moving around inside for another 5 weeks. I wish every day for the hot flashes and lack of sleep because my baby would be with me at all times. 

There is a reason our babies stay in for 40 weeks. You have the whole rest of their lives to hold, watch, touch, smell, cuddle them. Be patient. 

Every minute longer they can stay in is what's best for them. 

Thanks for listening

A mommy of a brand new NICU baby. 

I have a preemie

On August 20, 2013 my second son entered this world. He is of course absolutely incredible of course. 

But, he was only 35w4d. He was born exactly 1 month early. This classes him as premature. He was 6lb 8oz! When he was first born everything looked good. I was able to hold him immediately and he latched well! I couldn't have been more proud. However he was breathing a little fast and grunting. The grunting continued which lead to him being admitted into the NICU. 

I was crushed. My perfect tiny baby was not with me. I could go visit but needed sleep also. I was kept in the recovery ward that night and had to listen to other moms arrive with their babies. I heard other babies crying and their moms soothing, feeding and holding them and wasn't able to do any if that. 

When my doctor told me I could be discharged or spend another night since my tiny love wasn't leaving I left. I k we he wouldn't be home for days and I couldn't handle another night around the happy visiting families. Also Mr B was home as well as my hubby. I needed them. It's been 60hours since my Lucas was born. He is still in the NICU. He is looking good and I visit when possible. I pump liquid gold for him every 3-4h and bring it twice a day. 

I don't think anyone does but I didn't expect a NICU baby. It's emotional and draining. There is nothing you can do. I realized today that my son is 2 days inks and I don't know what his face looks like. He has tubes, a hat, an eye mask. I don't know what he looks like. I have a 2min memory from the delivery room of him looking at me with blue eyes and that's it.

Before this gets too long as it will full of my experience and wonder, if you have a premie you are not alone. There is a chance my Lucas could come home next week. For the mommies and daddies whose babies spend weeks/months in the NICU my heart goes out to you. Leaving a piece of myself behind everytime I walk out those hospital doors is the hardest thing I've ever done. 

The unplanned pregnancy

I personally have never had an unplanned pregnancy. When I was young before I was diagnosed with PCOS I thought I was once because I skipped a month and didn't know that's what it was. 

But for you ladies who had unplanned pregnancies I feel for you. Whatever the outcome of that pregnancy was. 

Being a mom and having a FAMILY of my own is something I've always wanted. But I know many women who either don't want babies, are too young, or just aren't there in their relationship who have found themselves pregnant. Some of them know exactly the day they didn't use protection, missed their pill, took antibiotics, or the condom broke. Others have no idea. They religiously use protection and it still happened. The facts are that no protection is 100% effective. Sometimes a condom breaks and you as a lady don't know. 

Right now I know someone in that situation. Her and boyfriend have only been together a few months. They use condoms every time. She isn't ready to have another baby. Yet this afternoon he found out she is pregnant. She doesn't know what to do but was bawling on the phone. Her boyfriend is great but how well can you know someone after only 3 months? They don't and have never talked about living together. They have been just enjoying being together. No matter what happens from this point on their relationship is forever changed. 

She is terrified to tell him. I can't imagine how hard this must be for her. All of my pregnancies were worked for. Finding those two pink lines the biggest blessings in my life! I couldn't wait to share the news with my husband. The idea of him becoming a dad was what we had been trying for. 

But for you mommies or mommies-to-be out there. Know you have support. Even if you don't know how on earth you are going to get through this with or without the daddy, there are so many who understand. I can only sympathize as I am with my friend. But for you there are so many who have been and are in the same position. 

Your baby will love you just the same even if it wasn't planned. If you choose not to go through with the pregnancy I can't even imagine how hard if a decision that was for you. But for you too there are ones who understand and support. 

Sending love and support out to all of you who started this journey in a way that wasn't ideal. 

Moms are irrational

As I lay in bed writing this, I'm constantly checking my video baby monitor. Why? Well because Mr.B has been in his room for two hours(since bedtime) playing by himself.. For 2 hours! 

Don't get me wrong I'm thankful it's not fighting/crying/screaming for two hours but what 20month old does this?? 

Part of me feels like a horrible mother because my baby has some how adapted to being alone? Other than bedtime he is never left alone so I'm not sure why he is so comfortable with it? During the day we are always playing or reading together. Sometimes he plays by himself while I watch but I am always there. 

Possibly because he knows I am here if he needs anything, but what if something else? Part of me worries I'm not giving him what he needs so he's learned to "fend for himself". 

I know that's my crazy mommy side but its hard not to go there sometimes.

To be honest he's been very independent his whole life. From 6months on he refused to cuddle. Unless he's hurt, sick, or VERY tired cuddles are out of the question. He'd rather explore and learn. 

I just want to be the best possible mom I can be and him being so independent is either a sign of a great job or a huge flaw... Who wouldn't be worried about landing on the wrong side? 

I can't wait until he can talk better and we can have discussions about things like this so I can tell him mommy is always there for him and him know what it means and that its true. 

Most of me believes that he is fine and just content by himself. I just have to focus on that part and ignore the rest ☺ 

The worst part is if he was the opposite and could never be left alone I'd be wondering what is wrong again. There is no happy medium for moms. No matter what we or our kids do we always wonder if there is something better we should be doing. 

But there is no point in worrying about something I can't figure out just yet. 

A Mommys Life is Oh So Glamorous

I've been forgetting to post this for a while... Or maybe putting it off because of the funny yet not so fond memories it brings up. 

A few weeks ago my darling son pooped. (Great start right?) Well on this eventful evening, I unsnapped his diaper, the second it was opened he grabbed the side and ripped it towards himself. 

Poo everywhere! Oh boy do I wish I was talking about the lovable bear, but no. On his legs, on the floor, on his foot, on his bum. I managed some wresting moves to keep him put long enough to clean everything up! Got the new diaper on and headed upstairs to flush the evidence. 

Our stairs are blocked off by a gate. When I got to the bottom I heard my poor Mr b crying for mom as he often does if I have to leave him down there alone. As I stepped into the bathroom I looked into the mirror and froze... There was poo on my neck! How on earth did it get there??? As I was cleaning the diaper I scrubbed and scrubbed my neck as quickly as possible. I hurried downstairs and picked my little love up. Hubby was outside so we decided to take a minute and go sit and watch daddy. 

As we were walking back my love went to put his arm around my neck and that's when I saw it. Poo on his hand! It must have gotten there when he pulled the diaper and I missed it when washing up the rest. Light bulb went on as to where the neck poo had come from. I took him and washed his hand all clean. Finally done. 

We got outside sat on the steps am I look at my baby. There are little brown spots around his mouth! 😣 What I didn't previously mention is that my tiny mister is 1 1/2 and has been popping molars ever few weeks for the past 3 months. Which involves a LOT of hand chewing. No wonder my love was crying at the bottom of the stairs he had gone to hand chew and gotten poo in his poor mouth. As I'm noticing this I glance down and there are finger poo marks on his shirt and shorts. 

I took him inside just in time to hear the diner timer go off. Thank goodness. I got him stripped and wiped down. He ate diner and then it was time for a bath and then bed. 

I could not believe what a mess a diaper could make. 

Hopefully no one reading this has had this experience and can take my memory as a good laugh. However if this has happened to you, as it probably has or will, I hope you take comfort in my understanding and support of another mommy who's been there.