At 15 I had to have a colposcopy to remove and test dormant cancer cells. This procedure was repeated again at 17 which resulted in laser surgery. In addition I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries at the age of 15. I was told there was a chance when I got older I would have a very hard time getting pregnant if I was able to at all. This was a devastating blow to me. I mean it would have been to almost any girl but while a lot of girls are thinking about becoming business woman, lawyers, singers or some other fabulous career that they may want to pursue in a few years the only thing I had known for certain was that I was so excited to one day be a mom. I knew at 16 I didn't want that to happen yet, I wasn't crazy, but one day I knew I wanted to be married and secure and be a mom. See my mom has 4 biological children to which I'm the oldest. But she also has 3 different baby daddy's and 4 step children from them! I love my mom but that is not the life I wanted for myself.
I met the man who would eventually become my husband later that year. I was 16 and he was 21 and I felt so cool having an older boyfriend with a car, a good job, and an apartment of his own. I loved him right away. He used to come by every night to spend time with me. I have a family that would give The young and the restless a run for their money so he would come and we would sit in his car out side my house and talk or drive around a bit. There was no way he was meeting my crazy family until I had him in love with me!
After 6 months of dating I was 17 and we were feeling pretty serious about each other. I had explained to him my condition so he knew. We had both talked about our hopes for the future and both wanted kids and marriage one day. He accepted things the way they were though. He said that there was always the option of adoption. If I hadn't already been head over heels in love with him, the acceptance would have done it.
Skip forward 5 years. I'm 21 he's 26 and we are looking at trying to have a baby in a few years. I went to the doctor for help with my irregular periods. He told me that this was a side affect of my polycystic ovaries.
My doctor sent me for a lot of tests, one of which included a live X-ray of my uterus. The live X-ray showed that I had a polyp that needed to be removed and one of my fallopian tubes was blocked. My husbands sample showed he had a high count but low activity. All of this combined meant almost an impossibility of getting pregnant until some things were fixed. I was put on a waiting list for the procedure to remove the polyp and clean out my fallopian tube. The wait time was 18months! While we waited though we started trying. We knew the odds of conceiving ourselves was low but tried anyways. I didn't get pregnant. The frequent missed periods and ocean of negative pregnancy test results made for a hard year and a half. When my surgery finally came I was so thrilled! I was one step closer to possibly being a mommy!
I had my surgery in sept 2010, November that year I went for a check up and my doctor started me on clomid. The first month I still didn't ovulate so I had to increase my dose. The second month(jan 2011) SUCCESS!!! I was pregnant! I was so happy I couldn't believe it had finally happened! Since I was on a schedule I knew I was only 4 weeks so I told only a few close friends and some family. My doctor sent me for an ultrasound to check actual gestational age. I was 5w2d at that point I was even able to hear the heartbeat using the ultrasound. That had been the best day of my life so far. I loved that little flicker already.
However Brycen was born November 2011.
Now I know what you may be thinking pregnant in jan birth in nov? How did I have an 11month pregnancy. I didn't. On February 4, 2011 I miscarried my first baby at 6 weeks. That was the worst day of my life so far. I was devastated. I was crushed that I'd lost my baby. I was terrified I would never get pregnant again, I was heartbroken that I'd gone through all of that and couldn't carry it, I worried that I would always miscarry and never get to have a baby to raise. I was mad that all these 15 year old irresponsible girls could get pregnant and I couldn't. I was embarrassed that I would have to tell my friends who were so happy for me that I'd lost my baby. I was desperate to know if I would be able to get pregnant again. I couldn't stop crying. Nothing could dull the pain. I isn't leave my bed except for the bathroom for 48hours.
My doctor sent me for a lot of tests, one of which included a live X-ray of my uterus. The live X-ray showed that I had a polyp that needed to be removed and one of my fallopian tubes was blocked. My husbands sample showed he had a high count but low activity. All of this combined meant almost an impossibility of getting pregnant until some things were fixed. I was put on a waiting list for the procedure to remove the polyp and clean out my fallopian tube. The wait time was 18months! While we waited though we started trying. We knew the odds of conceiving ourselves was low but tried anyways. I didn't get pregnant. The frequent missed periods and ocean of negative pregnancy test results made for a hard year and a half. When my surgery finally came I was so thrilled! I was one step closer to possibly being a mommy!
I had my surgery in sept 2010, November that year I went for a check up and my doctor started me on clomid. The first month I still didn't ovulate so I had to increase my dose. The second month(jan 2011) SUCCESS!!! I was pregnant! I was so happy I couldn't believe it had finally happened! Since I was on a schedule I knew I was only 4 weeks so I told only a few close friends and some family. My doctor sent me for an ultrasound to check actual gestational age. I was 5w2d at that point I was even able to hear the heartbeat using the ultrasound. That had been the best day of my life so far. I loved that little flicker already.
However Brycen was born November 2011.
Now I know what you may be thinking pregnant in jan birth in nov? How did I have an 11month pregnancy. I didn't. On February 4, 2011 I miscarried my first baby at 6 weeks. That was the worst day of my life so far. I was devastated. I was crushed that I'd lost my baby. I was terrified I would never get pregnant again, I was heartbroken that I'd gone through all of that and couldn't carry it, I worried that I would always miscarry and never get to have a baby to raise. I was mad that all these 15 year old irresponsible girls could get pregnant and I couldn't. I was embarrassed that I would have to tell my friends who were so happy for me that I'd lost my baby. I was desperate to know if I would be able to get pregnant again. I couldn't stop crying. Nothing could dull the pain. I isn't leave my bed except for the bathroom for 48hours.
Through my grief of the loss of my baby, I had asked when I would be able to start trying again. My doctor told me that physically my body would be ready in 2 weeks but that emotionally I should wait 6 weeks.
There have been a lot of hard things I have had to go through to get to where I am today in many different aspects in my life. I feel that going through them has made me so much stronger and I think sometimes I appreciate what I have more than someone who hasn't had to work so hard for the ordinary things in their life.
Miscarriage and infant loss affects 1 in 4 women. I haddnt known anyone who had lost a baby before I lost mine. However the more I talk about it and am open about it I learn a lot of women have been through it. Talking about my loss I feel pays tribute to my baby. Some people thing because I got pregnant again right away I don't care about that baby. But the pain is still there. I don't regret anything because my angel gave my Brycen. But talking about it, gives me peace. It's showing my angel that I haven't forgotten them.
There have been a lot of hard things I have had to go through to get to where I am today in many different aspects in my life. I feel that going through them has made me so much stronger and I think sometimes I appreciate what I have more than someone who hasn't had to work so hard for the ordinary things in their life.
Miscarriage and infant loss affects 1 in 4 women. I haddnt known anyone who had lost a baby before I lost mine. However the more I talk about it and am open about it I learn a lot of women have been through it. Talking about my loss I feel pays tribute to my baby. Some people thing because I got pregnant again right away I don't care about that baby. But the pain is still there. I don't regret anything because my angel gave my Brycen. But talking about it, gives me peace. It's showing my angel that I haven't forgotten them.
If you are the 3/4 who haven't experienced pregnancy or infant loss, I am so happy for you. Try to cherish every moment. Every time you child is drawing in your walls with permenamt marker or screaming at the top of their lungs, every time I have to restrain from pulling your hair out, there is a woman out there desperately wishing she was in your shoes.
-Linda
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