My Struggles with Bonding

Ok so here is a post I think I knew I would always write but I've been scared to. Please read to the end as our story does have a happy "beginning".

When we first decided to have another baby my biggest fear was that I couldn't possibly love another baby as much as I love Mr B. Brycen was my first miracle. The baby I didn't know if I would ever have. I worried, I couldn't possibly love another baby the way I loved him. But then I found from talking to others that most moms feel that way. I realized how ridiculous I was being and of course I could love another baby. I had always wanted 2-3 kids and I could absolutely love them all. 

I got pregnant. Oh my goodness I loved him immediately. Feeling him kick and hiccup was amazing. Snuggled with Mr B while Lucas wiggled around my world felt complete. Then I started having complications. I stayed positive but in my mind I was terrified I was going to lose my baby. Even though I loved him I think somewhere along the way I started to build a wall. I didn't do it on purpose so I can only speculate it was me trying to guard myself incase the worst happened. I fought to keep him in as long as possible and healthy. Every good check up was a relief. But all of the poor test results twice a week were a constant concern.

Finally after 11 weeks of bedrest and tests, I gave birth. When I first had my Lucas I was overwhelmed with love. He was perfect and healthy and nurses right in the delivery room at only 35 weeks! Then he was grunting. I only got to hold him for 30min before he was taken to the nursery and then taken away. He as you probably know if you've read any of my posts since his birth, had to spend the first 15 days in the NICU. I was heart broken. Seeing him hooked up to machines to teach him to breathe, an IV feeding him. It was more than I could handle. I pumped and I breastfed when possible. But I only got 1-3 hours a day with my baby. The connection I had to him while I was pregnant was somehow lost once he was born. I loved him absolutely. I cried every time I had to leave the hospital. But I was only "visiting". When he finally came home he didn't feel like my baby. Not the way that Brycen had. I worried that my fears had come true and I wasn't as bonded to him as Brycen. I hated myself for doing that to this poor perfect baby. For making him grow up with a mom who loved his brother more. Nothing could have made me feel worse. On top of already feeling slightly disconnected, Mr B was 21months. Which means that I had to make an effort to make sure I put Lucas down and paid attention to Brycen also. The things that might have helped me bond with my baby more I needed to have Brycen included in for fear that he might feel replaced. 

It was a big struggle for me. For longer than I can admit I felt more like his aunt than a mother. I coslept the first month out of necessity. Lucas's crib is still in our room because we room share until at least 6 months. I baby wore, I breastfeed. Gradually I have felt more and more like his mommy.

I couldn't admit that something was wrong. I haddnt felt depressed, I didn't feel anything like PPD from what is read. I was still happy in my life but I just didn't feel what I should have for him. Concern yes, but connected not as much. The guilt from not feeling the bond was so awful I couldn't admit it out loud. I worried I would be judged. I already felt like a terrible mother I couldn't handle someone confirming I was. 

 Then one day I was talking to him and the most incredible thing happened. He smiled at me. Not because of gas but because he actually thought I was pleasant. In that second I literally felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. There it was. There was my bond. There was my love and devotion. I realized, that it wasn't really that I haddnt bonded with him, I had just been so scared regarding every little thing  about him that I couldn't feel past the worry. I had been so scared of the affects the ICP was having on him, and then he was ripped away and hooked up to machines to learn to breathe and eat. Our bond was there it was just clouded in my fear for him. That smile though, it told me all on its own that he was ok. He was home, he was mine, he was loved and he was ok. 

It took another 2 weeks before the fear fully went away. I still feel a huge sence of guilt over that month and a half when I felt like I was disconnected from my son. It still hurts that I felt that way. I didn't admit to anyone, not even my husband, that it had even happened until a few weeks ago. I couldn't. But the more time passes the more I heal. The more obsessed I become with my tiny love. 

See for us having another baby filled the hole we didn't know our family had. I was right when I knew I had more than enough love for another baby. I love both my boys equally. I couldn't imagine life without either of them.

I am happy to write this. I hope that maybe some day this post might help someone going through the same thing. If things had progressed I would have talked to a doctor. Post pardem depression is very real. It affects a lot of us. I'm still not sure if that's what it was but I am happy to be ok again. If you or someone you knows mentions feelings like mine please go or suggest seeing a doctor. Our babies deserve us at our best ❤️

Xoxo

Linda

P.s its 1am so sorry for what may be a jumbled blog ill try and edit tomorrow. 

My Baby has turned 2

My Brycen,

Now you're two. I can barely remember life without you in it. You are already such an incredible person. So full of joy, laughter and life. I love you more than words but I'll try. You have such an amazing smile and I melt when I hear your laugh. You love to make people smile which isn't hard when they see you.  I cried putting you to bed on the 12th. Giving you your last kiss as a 1year old daddy laughed at me of course. I am so proud of the person you already are. Part of me can't wait to find out who you become but the majority wants to keep you small forever. I hope that you take your time growing up. Enjoy being young and free. Make mistakes and learn from them. Know that as life throws things your way mommy will always be there to help carry some of the weight if I can. It's my job. 

The next few years you will grow up so much more. I look forward to every step of your journey. Being your mom is everything I thought it would be and more. You were worth everything I went through to get you here. Know that no matter what happens I love you.

Xoxo

Mommy

Why I Immunize

Please be warned this may get a little rant-ish. If you are just going to yell at me move on. If you read and consider what I'm saying then feel free to stay. 

Lucas will be 3 months old next week!(how?!) Currently its flu and RSV season. While those scare me a little I know breastfeeding protects him from most illnesses. So while I'm finally at a point where I can take my 2tomorrow(yikes!) little boy out with his brother, news breaks, there is a measles outbreK in my province!! Not only is there an outbreak but my poor tiny Lucas is TOO YOUNG for the vaccine. 

People who don't vaccinate often say 'those diseases aren't around anymore' he'll yes they are! The reason we don't see them is because people vaccinate! So how, you might ask, did this out break happen? One boy. One unvaccinated boy went on a holiday with his family, contracted this HIGHLY contagious disease and brought it back. Now my baby, who is too young to be protected is at risk of contracting measles because that boys parents decided to make a decision that doesn't just affect them. Vaccination affects everyone, everytime you choose not to vaccinate you are putting those at risk who want to vaccinate and can't.

 You may feel that your 5yo can handle the disease just fine. But guess what. My baby was 5weeks early. He had to spend the first 5days of his life on a Cpap machine that held his lungs open to help develope them.. Did you know that measles isn't just a rash! Oh no. Look it up. It is an illness that attacks the lungs and airways. So ya your baby might be fine, but will mine be? Will my baby or someone else's be ok if your child catches and passes something like this on to them. So they might be but what if they aren't. How would you feel knowing your decision to not vaccinate caused MY son to have respiratory problems his whole life. What if your decision causes another baby to heaven forbid die? This is serious! I may sound dramatic but its not. When you don't vaccinate your not just playing the odds with your child, but with mine, my many friends who have newborns, and the strangers I've never met who's babies are too young to be vaccinated. 

Maybe consider that when your making your decision. 

Again I apologize for the rant but I am frusterated! And mostly because I'm scared! I fought so hard to get my son here. I had to see him hooked up to machines. I had to watch him feed from a tube because his airways were being forced open. After all that I am faced with something I can't fully protect him from because of soneone else's choices. 

I hope this might change some of your opinions on vaccinating.